Monday, August 14, 2006

Sexcapades and More....

So, I bought this condo back in April of last year and when it was finally complete in October, I moved in. I was told that my surrounding homeowners were about my age…many of them single. Well, in a building with 12 condos, me and the crazy Russian guy next door are the only single people. You're probably wondering why he is crazy and I really have no good explanation for you that can be summed up quickly.


There was the one night when I was getting ready to go out with a friend of mine and had partaken of a glass of wine before he came over. Anyway, the doorbell rang and I thought that it was my friend; even when I looked out the peephole, I thought it was my friend. So, I open the door, glass of wine in tow and quickly discovered that it was not my friend, but my next door neighbor who apparently lacks one of his front teeth. He proceeds to say all of this in a thick Russian accent, "Hallo, I em fram Russia and ma name es Vladimir. I leave next dor. I do nat know iv you er single er iv you hav boyfriend bat I vas vondering iv you vould like to came over for vings and dags." (I assume that "vings" and "dags" means "wings" and "dogs" or chicken wings and hot dogs – one can only imagine)

I politely declined. Sorry Vladimir! All that just to relay to you that we are the only two single people in the building and that Vladimir is a crazy Russian.

Back to the story at hand.

So, the people that live below me are apparently very happily married as I hear them having sex all the time. This sex is not your "regular" sex, I might add…not that I would know what "regular" sex would consist of…but this just cannot be it. The guy that lives downstairs gives his woman such intense pleasure, I am tempted to go down there myself to inquire as to the specifics of what exactly he is doing to her. They do these things at all hours of the night, mainly in the bedroom…

…until last night…

…which is why I am getting the slightest bit fed up. There I was taking my nightly bubble bath, which I so enjoy – I had the water extra hot, the bubbles extra bubbly – when I heard giggling from below.

Humm…that just sounds funny.

Let me clarify, I heard the giggling from downstairs. Then, as it usually does, it progressed into full-on crazy monkey sex in the bathroom directly below me...WHILE I was in my bathtub! But this time, because of the exhaust fan, I was able to hear with crystal clear quality, what exactly she has been saying – no, screaming – all of these times.

Don't get your hopes up. I'm not going to write it here, nor will I tell you. Seriously, I'm not going to tell you. It would just be too awkward for everyone involved.

So – this leads me to my question. What do I do to make my neighbors cognizant about their loud sexual habits? I am overjoyed that they are satisfied with each other and their sex life, and I hope one day to share that with someone, but do I have to be brought into it right now and through no enjoyment of my own? I feel like a voyeur in my own home – only, luckily, I can't see them!

I was asked today over lunch with Duchess and BB Logan what I do when the sexcapades start. "Do I put a pillow over my head, put in ear plugs?" "No," I replied, "I listen and that might bother me most of all!" I mean, come on! Being abstinent is one thing…but having sex shoved into my bedroom at 3:00 AM (YES – it wakes me up in the middle of the night) or in my bathroom at 10:30 PM is like taking a kid into a candy store and then telling her she can can only have broccoli - it's nutritious and delicious!

I need your advice!

Suggestions? Questions? Comments? Concerns?

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