Friday, July 14, 2006

Dumpster Diving

(The dumpster at my place is like this one...but it has a door...that locks. This will be important later in the story.)


Wednesday night, I drove home from playing sand volleyball with some friends – friends like Abi (see Abi…here’s a mention) and DP.

I decided that it was time that I clean up around my condo. Take out some trash. Wash some clothes. I put a load of dirties in the washing machine and began gathering trash.

I can’t tell you how very much I hate the advertisements that come in the mail. These envelopes marked “URGENT!” and “You’ve been pre-approved!” fill up my tiny mailbox and then my trash can. I have no intentions to send off for any of these things. Does anyone? The sales brochures bother me too. I refuse to go to sale. I’ve never been to your store. And no, I have not seen the people on this postcard. Why must I wade through all this crap?!

I rid my place of trash, lock the door, head down the multiple flights of stairs and over to the dumpster. We have two places to deposit our trash now…I know…we’re upscale. I decided to go to the one closer but up a hill. The other one is further away but neither up hill nor down.

The fence around the dumpster has two ways of entry and from my last dumping experience I remembered to use the side door. I unlock the latch and realize that the dumpster has been turned around so that I have to actually walk in to get my trash into the bin.


There’s crap everywhere. Literally…crap. Does everyone around here have animals? Ewww! And someone definitely through away rotten meat! Ugh! It smells like something died in there!

It’s then that it happens. The door shuts behind me – and locks. I turn around slowly…delaying the inevitable. Praying to Lord Jesus that what I think just happened…didn’t actually happen.

Ohh…it did.

Oh MY GOSH!!! I’m locked in the dumpster!!! With crap everywhere!! If I scream, who will hear my cries of terror…the dumpster is in the middle of nowhere! (Really safe and convenient).

I panic…Who wouldn’t?!

I start banging on the walls – screaming though I know it is futile. I think about climbing the walls and jumping over the fence…but the walls have no where to put my feet. The only option would be to climb in the dumpster, stand on the ledge and jump over. I guess in the face of the alternative…being stuck in the dumpster overnight…wading around in stinky excrement wasn’t that bad of a choice.

I scream again…one last-ditch effort.


All in all, about 7 minutes passed.

It’s then that I see it.

An internal release button. It says “Press.” So I do. I press the button.

The lock releases and I am free.

Free from excrement, free from rotten meat, free from foraging animals during the night that plan on eating fresh meat (me) in lieu of the spoiled.

I walk out, pushing the door aside, smiling at my luck. I look up and over and realize that there is a man cooking out on his porch. He’s been witness to the entire affair. The screaming, the kicking, the panic. Oh damn my luck!

He smiles down…I wincingly smile back. We don’t say anything. I just walk back to my place, praying I don’t smell.


Johann said...

I could use an internal release button now and then. This had good tension and, as always, your sense of humor. :~)

Alison said...

Sarah - I didn't know you were blogging again! This one was extremely hilarious to read. Too funny! hee hee ;) I'm glad you found your way out. You're a great writer by the way. Your "freckles" blog cracked me up! :)

Sarah Ashlee said...

Oh! I'm glad you liked them both...and glad that I can crack you up with my, sometimes, "misadventures."