Monday, June 12, 2006

Letter to my friend Brittany...

Okay - I of course, think this letter that I wrote is hilarious. Well, she did too. First off, you probably won't. It's chock full of inside jokes. Chock full I tell you. Second, if you read it in its entireity, you will gain a greater understanding for my sense of humor and personality.

Love it. Hate it. Read it.


Well, mere words cannot express the deep void that you are going to leave in my life…

Who am I kidding??

That shouldn’t be the start of my letter…It should start more like…let’s see here…


Girl! Why you be leavin’ me all up in this joint by mahsulf? That just ain’t coul!

Okay…maybe not that way either.

Look what you’re doing to me…I don’t even know who I am anymore. Sappy romantic friend? Gangsta goddess? I’ll just sit here and sing the songs that remind me of the good times - the songs that remind me of the better times. Tubthumper anyone??

I think that I am going to start this off again. Let’s take a trip down memory lane, shall we?

~~**~~**~~**~~DREAM SEQUENCE~~**~~**~~**~~**

1st class for me back at Belmont. 1st class for you at Belmont. You? Montana…Me? Well, Tennessee. Ours was an unlikely friendship, but we shared a bond that we didn’t know about. That bond?

American Eagle Outfitters.

We took a test that day and you sat behind me and sniffled the whole freakin’ time. I hated you for that. God blessed me with sonar hearing – that’s right – like dolphins. I hate people who make a lot of noise…or people who talk incessantly. Like I said – an unlikely friendship.

Until one day, I was at work and Sniffle Girl came in to shop. The bond was formed. Like typical girls, I recall the conversation going something like this:

“Hey you’re the girl from my Recording Industry Technology class…Tappan’s class?”

“Yeah! That’s me…Oh my gosh you work here!? I love American Eagle!”

“You like American Eagle? I like American Eagle! What else have you done today?”

“Well, I went and had coffee at Starbucks.”

“Oh my gosh! I like Starbucks too! Which one?”

“The one in Coolsprings. I live in Franklin. It’s so far away from everything and everyone.”

“Shut up! You live in Franklin!? I live like 2 seconds away in Brentwood. It’s like, we have so much in common!”

Okay, maybe it wasn’t that bad, but it was close. But I owe and am indebted to AE for our friendship.

~~**~~**~~**~~END DREAM SEQUENCE~~**~~**~~**~~

Some of the funniest times I’ve had, have been with you. You have the trait that I admire and covet most – humor. You make me laugh all the time and recently, made me cry. But I’m a wuss anyway. Stupid birth control…makin’ me cry at everything. No – I can’t blame it on that. I’m just sad that you’re leaving…sans birth control or with.

“The Ketchup Has Something to Say to You…”

Ohhh – one of my first times cooking in our little apartment kitchen. The Hamburger Incident. Who knew that hamburger meat was supposed to be mushed all up together? I didn’t! So, we ate worm burgers. But not before I called you into the kitchen because the ketchup had something to say to you. Upon viewing the meat worm, you freaked and threw it outside. I’m sure Jonah and Dave thought we were bizarre.

“Fly Infestation”

We weren’t dirty, I swear! Our apartment was just infested with flies. Hundreds of them. Maybe even thousands. Okay, not thousands. Most of them died from starvation (see, we weren’t dirty) but there were lucky handfuls of the little crappers that got mercilessly murdered by anything we could get our hands on.

“I Love Drugs!”

I sure have always known how to make an idiot of myself. One time in particular was when I was getting my prescription sinus medication out of my car, which was parked to the side of Jonah and Dave’s apartment. I ran out in my short PJ shorts skipping and dancing to the music playing in my head – unfortunately, singing the lyrics out loud. “I love drugs! I love drugs! Drugs make me feel on TOP of the WORLD…” only to hear snickering (okay it was all out laughter)…look up and see a porch full of guys staring. Uber embarrassing.

“You Make My Tongue Tingle”

…or something like that…You know the time…when we gave Dave a secret admirer? Haha – and he thought it was real. Such an oblivious guy. J That was right near your birthday because remember the Sponge Bob streamers I put up in the kitchen – and then they went on Dave’s car from his secret admirer…and he still didn’t get it. Haha – “You look just like Justin Timberlake!”

“911? A Man Has Fallen! Yes! Fallen Down the Stairs!”

This one really doesn’t even need explaining. We’ll just leave this one to the memories because

only those can help us recall The Indian Midget and the embarrassment that he must have felt as he slinked off to the corner. Haha. And me, trying not to laugh…being mortified at myself…and you, looking at me, and with your eyes, begging me not to laugh. HAHA! And the InfoDesk guy, disgustedly saying “Well, this day just keeps getting better and better” and then on the intercom, “Service Manager, dial 222. Service Manager, 222.”


I mean, how much freakin’ Starbucks have we consumed during the course of our friendship. I would hate to know. I think it might scare me.

“Leukemia is not funny.”

But, it is if it’s in Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants! So, that lady in front of us hated me. But, she has to admit, it was funny…until the girl died. Or, how about the girl from Gimore Girls, frustrated at life and at being prude, just stripping off her clothes and jumping into the lake.

Yeah, like that would happen.

In Orange - A box with long legs

In Pink – Boobs, an imploded waistline, short legs and huge hips.

What’s life if you can’t make fun of how you look with Play Dough??? What’s even better is when you put the picture on the door to your apartment for everyone to see!

Who Knew Plucking Your Eyebrows Was Dangerous?!

Now we both do! And you didn’t even wake up when I fell off the sink…hit my head on the door knob…then on the toilet and proceeded to knock myself unconscious. Or, when my mom came over in the pouring rain and stayed with me through the night so that I wouldn’t die.

Hitchhiker’s Thumbs are Hilarious!

Or at least we think so! And now we know that we both have them…all because of sitting at our kitchen island and “throwing thumbs” for a good 15 minutes.


I mean really. How much tuna did we eat while we lived together?! A LOT! Tuna and Starbucks…Yum!

Strum, strum, strum on the guitar…AKFJKG ASKLSDFHL

That’s my impression of Dan assaulting your guitar. P.S. did you know he is nominated to be Homecoming King this year? Yeah, he is.

“It Was Just a Little Cocaine on the Gums!”

Oh Austin. The phone call that should have been the clue to not tell him where we lived. As he sat outside someone else’s apartment, banging on the door, yelling for me to come out. When he finally did make it over, that’s when the real fun began. I believe memorable quotes were – “And then I projectile vomited.” “Cocaine on the gums.” “She had it pierced…if you know what I mean.” There were more…and then there was something about Austin moving in with me and

you moving in with his three other male roommates. It’s a good thing that roomie situation didn’t work out…

Brit – There are so many more memories that I have stored up in here. I just don’t have the time to put them all down on paper. We’ve gone through such a pivotal part of our lives together and I couldn’t be happier that I got to spend it and share it with you.

I’m sad that you’re leaving, and I feel that it is a selfish way to be, so I also want you to be happy. I know that you are close to your family, and at this new stage in life, it’s good to be near them. I’ll hope in the back of my heart that maybe you’ll miss Nashville and your friends enough

to come back here. If you don’t though, we will always be close. Always. Do you see that I am not giving you an alternative here??

I love you so much! Have fun in Montana – meet lots of cowboys and real men for me! Be sad for me being in Nashville with all these musician metro-sexuals. J

We’ll see each other soon…we can meet in the middle of the country or something…and I’ve always wanted to go to Montana!

Until then…email me, call me, write me, join MySpace.